Gay men loneliness
Gay Loneliness Is Real—but “Bitchy, Toxic” Culture Isn’t the Full Story
If you are gay or know many gays, chances are you saw “Together Alone,” Michael Hobbes’ longform essay on what he calls an “epidemic of gay loneliness,” show up in your feeds late last week. After seeing the article shared approvingly by many friends, I skimmed and dutifully posted it myself. It’s unsettling, full of resonant descriptions of isolation, drug addiction, and self-hatred among gay men; and it’s ambitious in its attempt to name, outline the contours of, and prescribe solutions for what it argues is a cultural and social crisis among gay men hovering between youth and middle age. But later, as I read the article more closely, I began to feel uneasy.
Something in Hobbes’ portrait—more specifically, in the words of the group of gay men he chose to interview—reminded me of a gentle of conversation that I encountered when I’ve worked in offices with huge gay populations. The conversation happened frequently enough that I began to be able to predict how it might unfold. An older gay male colleague, typi
March 02,
The Epidemic of
Gay LonelinessBy Michael Hobbes
I
I used to get so elated when the meth was all gone.
This is my friend Jeremy.
When you contain it, he says, you have to keep using it. When it&#x;s gone, it&#x;s like, &#x;Oh fine, I can go endorse to my life now.&#x; I would stay up all weekend and leave to these sex parties and then feel prefer shit until Wednesday. About two years ago I switched to cocaine because I could work the next day.
Jeremy is telling me this from a hospital bed, six stories above Seattle. He won&#x;t tell me the accurate circumstances of the overdose, only that a stranger called an ambulance and he woke up here.
Jeremy is not the companion I was expecting to have this conversation with. Until a few weeks ago, I had no idea he used anything heavier than martinis. He is trim, intelligent, gluten-free, the kind of guy who wears a operate shirt no matter what day of the week it is. The first time we met, three years ago, he asked me if I knew a good place to do CrossFit. Today, when I ask him how the hospital&#x;s been so far,
For five years of my life, I lived openly and unapologetically as a gay man. Twelve years old and gay as all hell, I was not a characteristic middle-school student you would find in , even in my hometown of Long Beach in Southern California. And when the nature didn’t end that December, I consideration, “Shit, now I really gotta figure this out.”
After downloading Grindr at thirteen, I was exposed early to hyper-sexualization, fat-phobia, transphobia, and every phobia or insult you could find under the sun. Even with all of these faceless torsos and all of the budding vow of promiscuity and connection, I felt empty; I was lonely. Loneliness, typically internalized from group, was something I felt almost leap from within me to fill every corner of my burnt orange bedroom. Where was this coming from? Why did I experience so alone?
The Oxford English Dictionary defines loneliness as “the quality of existence unfrequented and remote; isolat[ed].”[1] This definition is too basic for my standards because loneliness, at least as it stands in the gay community, can be found almost everywhere; at t
Gay Loneliness and What To Undertake About It
Gay men are more lonely than straight men.
It pains me to write that. Same-sex attracted men need positive inspiration and role models, not more negative statements.
However, I am highlighting this fact because I know it is easier to make alter when we acknowledge painful truths.
Let’s start by reviewing some of the research on gay people. Academic journals can be incredibly boring so let me provide you the brief highlights:
Research shows:
Why are we statistically worse off on these measures of mental health? Is it something we ate?
You probably can guess the answer. It’s called “growing up gay.”
Even in today’s more enlightened times we experience more rejection as kids. And that’s especially true for gay men who embrace a more feminine gender presentation gay men who hug a more feminine gender presentation than other boys.
Many of us grow up expecting rejection and we remain on high sharp for it in social situations. Even if you personally hold never received blatant rejection, the negative culture has an impact on you. No one has to c